Call me a fashion premie, call me a coward, call me old-fashioned. Your insults will bounce off of my gently bootcut jeans that complement me perfectly, unlike the skinny jeans that grace the figures of girls world-wide. Big, small, inbetween, the skinny jean is NOT your friend. Thinking it is only serves to allow you to sit at the cool table at lunch while you still remain uncomfortably aware of the stares and whispers of those other kids judging you for giving up your integrity for these glorified stretch pants.
Do you remember stretch pants? I do. I was uncomfortable wearing them in 4th grade because they emphasized my pre-pubescant figure. Years, pounds and curves later I still feel like a elephant playing dress up in Audrey Hepburn’s closet with a studio audience when I shimmy my way into a pair of those ‘oh-so-sexy’ skinny jeans.
Who actually thinks these jeans are sexy to begin with? The smushed touchas, the thunder thigh emphasis, and the complete lack of a shoe designed for these incredibly dim-witted lower body devices …
Disagree with me? I challenge you to find ONE kind of shoe that complements these skintight contraptions.
The sandal? Perhaps the lesser of all evils this shoe doesn’t do anything particularly out of character to the skinny jean. Most skinny jeans are at least a foot too long, and unless you’re willing to roll up, chop off or pay to get those babies hemmed, you’re pulling the accordion ’skinny leg’ move, something akin to the majesty of legwarmers, except 10x more unattractive.
Slides? Too wide for the skinny jean, you’re not only replicating the accordion-leg-warmer move but you’re making it look like your feet are about two feet long. Clown inproportionate with your skinny calves and huge thighs, you’ve made it into the awkward fashion big leagues.
Stilettos? Easily the best looking shoe with the skinny pant, and the worst overall appeal. Not only doesn it look like you’re a reverse pear, the skinny jeans always look uncomfortable. Pair them with a pair of stilettos and you’re crying out to potential mates that you’re insecure and will do anything to be accepted.
Sneakers? Hey-hey, you-you, I don’t like your girlfriend! Can you say Avril Lavigne skater chic? Maybe it might work for those 15-year-old high school emo girls and guys with the studded belts and the chuck taylors but as a twenty something, you may as well jack the rest of your wardrobe from Hot Topic and just call it a day.
While my holier-than-thou rant stands somewhat completed let me tell you sisters, I’ve been there. Where did this intense hatred and knowledge of shoe troubles come from? Yes. I was talked into a lovely pair of white skinny jeans by a seven for all mankind employee who insisted that, anyone can pull of the bootcut ones, THESE have style. Enchanted as I was by an obviously fashionable employee who was in no way, shape or form only trying to make a sale, (sigh) I purchased these incredibly expensive skinny pants.
This was in April. Number of times I’ve actually worn them outside of my apartment? The Big Zero. Number of times I’ve intended to or tried them on? Probably 50?
I guess I’m just not rock star enough.
They look great on you, though!
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I just bought my first-ever pair of skinny jeans today. I have always shared your hatred of the skinny jean and will never, ever part with my beloved bootcuts; however, I succumbed to skinny jeans to wear them with an awesome pair of Steger Mukluks (where I live we spend a lot of time trudging through snow). Tucked into super cute boots may be the only acceptable habitat for skinny jeans.